I had a plan but you know what they say: “you plan and God laughs.”
That motherfucker must be cackling right now.
I had so many plans.
I had my first ayahuasca experience planned.
I had a year living abroad in Europe with my husband and my dog planned.
I had bringing our parents to Europe with us planned.
I feel like my next 2 years of life have been ripped from me.GiGi Diaz
I had a third property planned.
Not to mention the already scheduled Seizing Happy launches for Q1 and the follow up sales strategies for Q2.
This feels more like grief than joy.
Is it possible to grieve some thing you haven’t even gotten to yet? I think Taylor Swift just dropped a song about that. Maybe I should take a listen.
All these milestones I had planned, these goals, they haven’t happened. Many of the wheels are…were… in motion but nothing has come to life and then died to feel this much grief about it. But I know these plans are, in fact, dead. I feel like these next 2 years of plans were all already mine. It’s how I manifest everything, I live, think, feel and vibrate as though it’s already mine, done, real, here.
I feel like my next 2 years of life have been ripped from me. Stolen by a being I don’t know who crept, uninvited, into my life throwing my dreams away and replacing them with insomnia, lower back pain and exhaustion like I’ve never felt before even though I’m unable to do even half of what used to do in a day.
That’s another thing. I feel like a stranger in my own body. There are so many emotions erratically coming to the surface and interrupting literally everything I’m doing. I cry about bread, Lia’s ears touching her food when she eats and I cry about nothing at all.
Then I feel exhausted from crying and need to sleep and I sleep for hours. Bae has even mentioned that he worried about me a few days ago when he tried to wake me and I took forever to react to him waking me up.
Who is this tired emotional person living inside me? She’s so fucking annoying.
I feel completely disempowered through everything going on.
My body has a mind of its own.
My (very volatile) emotions have a mind of their own.
My thoughts jump from worry, to FOMO, to what ifs uncontrollably, also with a mind of their own.
While I’m just here, crying and sleeping and grieving the life that I planned that was ripped away cause you plan and God laughs.
I have to make my first doctor’s appointment…